When the Rollercoaster Goes Only Down
Living with dementia is much as living on a perpetual rollercoaster with no highs, only lows. The last several (silent here) months have been a slow, low coaster with the occasional level merry-go-round thrown in for the almighty uptick.
The truth is every new day is the best day Jim and I will share going forward. Every morning I bow to the notion that this will be my best day with Jim. And, every day I fail to be grateful therefore. There may be grace buried in this horror but I lack the grace to find it. And I am too much bothered by this than in the fealty to Jim's own loss.
But the true horror is that I cannot often enough be Jim's grace. And he is so much more deserving of it than I.
This all just sucks. I am at a low ebb and have been so for months.
I am brought low by my sometimes inability to be loving and kindly to Jim. If only I could slaughter my self, the self that strains so against the injustice of Jim with me forever.
The truth is every new day is the best day Jim and I will share going forward. Every morning I bow to the notion that this will be my best day with Jim. And, every day I fail to be grateful therefore. There may be grace buried in this horror but I lack the grace to find it. And I am too much bothered by this than in the fealty to Jim's own loss.
But the true horror is that I cannot often enough be Jim's grace. And he is so much more deserving of it than I.
This all just sucks. I am at a low ebb and have been so for months.
I am brought low by my sometimes inability to be loving and kindly to Jim. If only I could slaughter my self, the self that strains so against the injustice of Jim with me forever.
But, Mexico next week for a week. Both of us rally there.
Oh Kat. I wish you could be as kind to yourself as you are to Jim. You too deserve all the loving kindness and grace in the universe. This is so hard, but you do have a marvelous ability to cherish the best of it, and I wish for you both as many possible moments of the best of it in the time that lies ahead. Starting with your upcoming travels.
ReplyDelete