I'm still processing our Thanksgiving travel experience and weighing those insights against my travel ambitions and capabilities.
I prefer to imagine Lupus has no effect on me, after all, I take a daily handful of heavy meds said to reduce flares and ill effects. But, I slowly am coming around to the notion that ... I just can't do as I like and give Jim the attention and care he requires. There is also the discomfiting effect of travel on Jim whose dementia makes him vulnerable to changes in routine.
It's time to say uncle. The rigors of wonderful travel begin to exceed my abilities. I've cancelled the April return to Fiji. Imminent trips are local: Napa at xmas, Napa again in January for 45th anniversary. I expect most future travel will be domestic, somewhat close to home and not involve a crowd.
Makes me sad.
Are you certain? Seems to me there was much joy in your familiar and very supportive crowd. Is there a middle ground for some experiences with close and understanding friends that capture the best aspects of what you both have loved about travel, but with a less taxing physical transport experience and as much support available of all kinds that is possible? Despite the glitches, your Thanksgiving with friends sounds more like a successful interlude than a hard lesson not to be repeated.
ReplyDeleteYes, there is a middle ground, Katharine -- fewer days and fewer people. Also, Jim's limits apply but the gating factor here may well be my ability to cover all the bases all the time. Regret to say "all the time" mostly is not negotiable. Various infirmities weaken both my resolve and my capabilities.
ReplyDeleteThen, there is the question of just how much of what Jim shows outwardly reflects his inner realty. Inside I think he has great anxiety and fear. When he's not home he doesn't know where he is. He can't find the bathroom, he falls out of bed. He can't find the door. If only I could hold him close enough to put to bed those anxieties and fears. This is my gravest horror, that I sometimes cannot make peace for him.
ReplyDeleteoh my dear friend, being grown up is so damn hard!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can surround Jim with everything that makes him content without draining your own resources unduly. You both deserve to have as much precious happiness and contentment together as possible. But indeed you always have to put on your own oxygen mask first and all that.
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